The Merc with an Aura
by Greatness942
Summary: Good news: The Vytal Festival is now 90% less boring. Grey News: It's because Deadpool lost a bet with a certain celestial Guardian of the Galaxy, and was transported there. With the help of Lie Ren, Weiss Schnee, and Nora Valkyrie, however, he will journey through the Marvel universe, in order to show Peter Quill what he's made out of.
1. I: Do the Walk, Do the Talk

Clashing blades and screaming fans were among the highlights of the sounds of the Vytal Festival, but even at the courtyard festival, the atmosphere of celebration permeated the air. Whether it was the delicious smell of the Shopkeep's Ramen noodles, or the sound of excited yelling and cheering as a fan favorite won, the air surrounding the Tournament itself bled over into the people of the kingdom's represented. And speaking of excitement-

 **Hey! Narrator! Is this my part yet?**

The fuck? No, no it isn't. Wait like five more minutes.

 **Okay, fine. But I demand a higher paycheck!**

I'm not even paying you-oh forget it.

"So there we were," Nora said out to her friends, all sat around a set of outdoor tables installed to relax the aching feet of both busy fan and ruthless competitor alike. "Surrounded...by Ursai!"

With no hesitation, Ren corrected "It was a single black bear. Wasn't even an Ursa, it was an actual bear."

"They looked at us, ready to feast on our bones!" Nora continued. Despite the usual back and forth this interaction brought, the other six people between them were drawn in, though in different ways. While most of them were amused by it, Blake took the time to use it as background noise, catching up on some reading. Weiss, meanwhile, absentmindedly checked her bank account, making sure her saved money wasn't removed by Jacques's interference.

Ren also continued, corrected her with "It wasn't even paying attention. It was just catching fish."

"And with a single swing each of their large paws-" and then Nora paused for dramatic effect. With emotion in her voice, she said "They killed a poor, innocent animal right in front of us!"

Ren, the ever patient friend that he was, left off with one final correction, saying "The black bear caught a catfish. And unbeknownst to me, she actually quite liked living catfish."

While the ones paying attention laughed, Nora looked off into space with a look of respect in her eyes, mourning the little fishy. It was all going quite well; it was a nice calm day.

At least, until a certain _jackass_ suddenly popped in, appearing in a flash of red light with a yell of "BAM!" and a hand on his belt buckle. Everyone reared back in their chairs in shock. He was dressed in a red and black jumpsuit, two katana on his back and two pistols in holsters by his side. Cracking his neck back and forth, he put his hands on his hips and looked around. After a while, however, he seemed annoyed. He said in a lively voice "Hold on a fucking second. This is _not_ San Francisco! I have a routine assignment to get to!"

 ** _Wade, we're assassinating a Mall Santa._**

"It's still weird! Like-" he stopped talking. Turning to Teams RWBY and JNPR as they stood before him, shocked and confused, he said "...Is this The Wolf Among Us? Or, no, wait, Fables, right?"

"I-I don't-" Weiss nervously said, too stunned to think.

Blake stammered out a "Who the hell are you?"

 _Dude! They don't know who we are?! Aw, shit, this is worse than that time you got your dick stuck in an elava-_

Shaking his head to keep that memory away from the little Yellow Box, he answered with a somersault through the air. Once his feet hit the ground, he extended an arm out to Blake and said "Howdy!"

 ** _Howdy?_**

 _Roll with it, Blue Box, or else we won't shut up._

"I am your deadly neighborhood Deadpool." he answered with a slight bow.

Yang, now slightly bemused, said "...Deadly neighborhood Deadpool?"

Turning to her, his eyes took a second to dart downward-

 ** _Wade, she's underaged._**

 _Not in the author's home state!_

As true as that is, please don't drag me into this. Anyway, his eyes darted back up and he responded "Why yes, though I do go by Deadpool for short. I also go by Wade Wilson, The Merc With The Mouth, The Red Fool Named Deadpool, the Artist Formerly Known as Deadpool, D Piddy, xXCancer_Cock1138Xx, Cable's Sidekick, Cable's Best Friend, Thanos's Romantic Arch-Nemesis, The Best Day of Your Life, The Worst Day of Your Life, The Star of the Best Marvel Movie Since The Avengers, and The Man Who is Seen at Every Goddamn Convention Ever."

If looks could kill, the confused glances of everyone at the tables would miss every single time. Finally, however, Ruby reached a conclusion upon looking at Deadpool for a while. "Are...you a superhero?"

Rotating on his heel, he said "Uh, depends, how much money do you have?"

Pulling out a few Lien cards, Ruby responded "Uh, around seventy-five Lien?"

"Lien? What kind of currency is tha-" and then Deadpool stopped. Everyone looked at him and eachother in anticipation, waiting for him to continue on. And he did, in an unexpected way.

"AM I ON ANOTHER PLANET?!" Deadpool suddenly shouted, before running away from the booth and running in circles. "Of course, so simple! That's why I don't recognize these cosplayers, _that's_ why the air feels 50% less like mine, and _that's_ why the author is probably laughing at me!" I'm not, if it's any consideration to you, dear reader. But anyway, he suddenly stops and raises his fist up to the sky. "DAMN YOU, PETER QUILL! DAMN YOU AND YOUR COMBINATION OF LIMITLESS POWER AND CHRIS PRATT'S SEXY GODDAMN FACE!"

Everyone sat there, confused, before Wade simply turned to them and said "Hey, assholes? Wanna help me take revenge on some superpowered demi-son of a bitch?"

"Hell yeah!" Nora shouted out before anyone else could think.

Crossing her arms and huffing, Weiss simply said "No. This man is insane!"

Nora, in her infinite wisdom, turned around to the heiress and said "My kind of fun, then. Ren, you helpin'?" And with a single stoic nod, Deadpool stood up to his feet with a smile underneath his mask.

"Awesome!" he enthusiastically said. Then, he said "Okay, so...do any of you have a bed? Being teleported by Space-Lord or whatever does a number on your molecules."

Weiss's point was then proven when he tipped backwards into unconsciousness, landing in a puff of dust. Helpfully, Nora rushed over and picked him, before making way to the dorm. " _Not a bad way to start the day._ " Nora thought, as she knew this little journey was going to get weirder and weirder just from this one experience. But if anyone could see her grin now, they'd know that she just didn't care.


	2. II: How to Get Off This Rock?

**Ooh! Hey, G, is it time for some In Medias Res shit?**

What do you mean? I mean, technically we already started at the beginning-

 **The bet! You know? With Skull-Lord, and his magical Celestial bullshit that got me trapped on Planet The Wolf Among Us?**

First of all, it's Star-Lord. Second, the planet is called Remnant. But fine, if that'd help the story, I see no reason not to.

 _ **I do.**_

 _Blue Box, you have no sense of adventure! Live a little!_

 _ **Technically, at this point, I'm Bold Italics Text, not Blue Comics Box. The terminology is important.**_

Right, just gonna do the scene transition-

 **Wait! I've got a better idea!**

Oh?

 **What gave Petey Pratt his powers? 616 Chris Quill doesn't have that shit!**

I'm actually going to do both. The bet will be the scene, but how he gained his powers will be shown. Fair enough? Too bad.

* * *

"...What," was the flabbergasted response of one Peter Quill, appearing confused as he ran back the request in his head. He had been a bit flighty recently; unlike the version of him found in Earth 616, this Peter had recently been granted phenomenal cosmic powers. From what, you may ask? One merely has to look to Peter Quill's left arm; he is a wearing a grand golden gauntlet, with six gems of multiple colors-

 **Um, what? How the hell did he get the Infinity Gauntlet?!**

Show, don't tell, Wade. Show, don't tell.

"Uh-huh, yeah," Deadpool said out loud in his own reality. Due to the fact that he seemed to be dodging the question, Peter only grew more confused. "Then explain to me how, whenever I bring a chick over, they tell me that exact same thing. And yet, when I throw off my pants, they suddenly begin insisting I stop showing?"

Clearing his throat, Peter Quill once again asks "Yeah, uh...what?"

Turning his attention back to Star-Lord, Deadpool simply said "...I said that out loud, didn't I?" Aside from the nodding from his conversational partner, his two voices also spoke up.

 _ **Yes, Wade, you did say that out loud.**_

 _Not that that's a bad thing. I love it when we freak people out. Helps drive off the boring people!_

 _ **Yeah, but all that does is bring She-Hulk and Squirrel Girl into our inner circle. And time spent away from a lawyer and the Beater of Doctor Doom's metal plated ass is time well spent.**_

Ignoring the bickering of his inner voices, Deadpool repeated himself. "I said, I wanna make a little wager: if that Wonder Woman movie makes more money in the box office than my Ryan Reynolds made-and-molded masterpiece, you win. Short, sweet, to the point. And easy to write, too!"

Don't patronize me, I can write you into a coma. Literally. Back to Star-Lord. He cocked his head sideways and held a finger up to the sky in contemplation. "Right, I barely know what that means," he said, "But only because I'm feeling this aura, like this energy. As if fanatics are reading an account similar to this moment, and wondering-"

"I could be partaking in all the porn on this site, and instead I'm reading about two jackasses bantering back and forth to each other?" Deadpool finished.

With a snap of his fingers, Star-Lord said "Bingo! Yes, that's exactly it." Stepping forward, Peter held out his non-gauntlet baring hand, which Deadpool began energetically shaking. "Well, I don't see what it has to do with _me_ , but if it's that what you're thinking of, I guess we have a deal?"

"Fuck yeah!" Deadpool exclaimed, before pausing. "Wait a minute...what do we get if we win?"

After a few seconds of thought, Peter snapped his fingers. "Okay, I've got something. If you win, I'll let you do something really stupid: I'll let you do something with the Infinity Gauntlet. Because this is starting to get a bit overwhelming." At that, Wade raised two hands up to his face and let loose a slight squeal.

Suddenly dropping the mannerism, Deadpool cleared his throat and smiled under his mask. "Does that mean, what I think it means?" he asked excitedly.

Shrugging, Peter Quill said "I don't know, what does it mean?" After a second, he pointed at Wade with an accusatory finger and asked "You're not going to turn everyone in the galaxy into a bikini babe, are you?"

"Tempting," Deadpool responded, "and it's not like you wouldn't appreciate it." After a second, Peter conceded the point and nodded, and Wade kept talking. Oh, dear God, he kept talking.

 **Shut the fuck up, G, and just write my brilliant plan.**

 _That's another quarter in the swear jar!_

 _ **Italics Text, the swear jar exploded from us having too much cash in it.**_

 _...Woohoo!_

"But no!" Wade corrected, "I have a better idea!" Curiosity getting the better of him, Peter leaned in to to hear what he had to say. Spinning on his heel, Deadpool turned to the starry sky in a dramatic pose. "I shall use it...to resurrect...BEA ARTHUR!"

There was a pregnant pause in the room, as though Star-Lord couldn't formulate a response, and so Wade turned around, face-to-face with Peter Quill. True to form, he couldn't formulate a response. "I-I don't…" was Peter Quill's confused response, completely flabbergasted by hearing such a request. "A-Are you sure you don't want to, say, make you sane again or become king? Build up a fortune and spend it all on cocaine, hookers, and chimichangas?"

"Nope," was Wade's simple response. "I mean, I do appreciate coke, bitches, and food as much as the next guy," he continued, while pointing at the...at the screen. Not sure how that works in a fan fic, but he did it. "But nah. Bea Arthur. She's _my_ Golden Girl."

"Um," Peter mumbled in a confused daze. After a while, a realization hit him. "Hold on, what happens if I win?"

With a dismissing wave of the hand, Deadpool said "Oh, you can just wave your hand and send me to some random planet somewhere. But I mean, what are the odds of _that_ happening?"

* * *

"It made $200 million on opening weekend alone," Deadpool said, relaying the story to Nora and Ren. He was laying in the latter's bed, resting his head against the pillow and tracking his shows across the sheets. "I mean, I'm proud of Gal Gadot and the folks for making a good DC Comics film, but now I'm on this rock, surrounded by anime schoolchildren."

After a second, Nora simply replied "Right, I have no idea what some of the things you're talking about are, but you've been like that since we met."

"So," Ren began to sum up, "Because a movie starring you was surpassed by another film, you were sent here via a space captain with a magical gauntlet?"

 _Well, he seems...observant! ...When are he and Nora gonna boop?_

Patience. "Yeah, basically. Well, the Infinity Gauntlet isn't magical, really. It's more of a plot device," Deadpool explained, which confused them less, though that wasn't an improvement over them knowing what he was on about.

"A plot device?" Nora asked. Then, without warning, she suddenly said "So, it makes people's boobs bigger?"

Turning to her, Ren simply said "I think he means plot literally. The Infinity Gauntlet as defined by him therefore advances the story."

"So," came a sudden voice at the door. Turning to it, the three found Weiss, her arms crossed as she looked inside, "We can conclude he's an insane idiot, then?"

"You forgot "perverted", "sexy", "badass", and "great dancer" there, lady," Deadpool responded, walking over to the door. "Anyways, have you come to join the Peter Quill punching committee? We're looking for an even number quota, and you seem to keep butting in. Almost as if you're G's favorite character." Ignoring her sudden shift to a perplexed glare, he then asked to seemingly nobody "Is she?"

To which I respond: No, it's Blake. "Then why did you have the hots for the buxom blonde?" I don't have the...shut up, Wade.

After a second, Weiss stammered out "W-What? I-...Okay, um...Yes, I am coming along. But only because I don't think Ren can, on his own, keep you and Nora from hurting yourselves." She entered the room with as much punctuality as she normally exuded.

With a chortle under her breath, Nora simply said "Please, Ren can handle me."

Bumping her on the shoulder, Ren replied "Yes, but I can't watch you _and_ Deadpool. Who knows what he could...get...up to." He began trailing off as he looked at Wade, and the rest slowly turned to see what he was doing. In this case, he appeared to be standing next to a toaster, and was shoving some ice cream cones into it.

After sliding the ice cream into the toaster, he pushed the switch down, turning it on. He then turned to the very perplexed group. "Uh," he said, "We were still doing the thing? I got bored."

Walking over, Ren reached to unplug the toaster before it short circuited. However, before he could, he took a better look at it. It was red, and appeared brand new. "This isn't our toaster. Where'd you get this from?" he asked.

Waving his hand disinterestedly, Deadpool responded "Oh, some other dorm. It had a big motherfucker, some blind dude, a chick more stone cold than Steve Austin, and a girl with adorable bunny ears. Why?"

As if by narrative magic, they all suddenly heard a loud shout of "WHAT?!" coming from the room directly above them. The three teens immediately recognized it; it was Coco Adel, and she was both confused and _pissed_.

"Should we run?" Nora innocuously asked, already taking strides towards the door. Wordlessly, her more sane companions nodded, and they burst out of the door.

After a second, Deadpool smiled under his mask. "Okay...I think I'll like it here," he said to himself, before turning back up to face me...I'm still not sure how he does that. "Bitch, you don't need to know," he responded to the narration, "Now, are we gonna do a scene transition? Because I wanna see what happens with this."

Sure, Wade. If you want a very angry Coco to rip your dick off and peel it like a banana.

 _ **And immediately, if I had legs, they'd be more crossed than a pretzel.**_

 _That's one clumsy-ass simile, Bold Italics Text. But I feel ya._

 _ **Actually, I think that's a metaphor.**_

 **Who cares? Next scene, please.**

* * *

Surrounded by the safety of the crowd at the Vytal Festival, the four party members breathed a sigh of relief as they sat around a table. Well, to be exact, Ren and Weiss breathed a sigh of relief. Nora was elated at the adrenaline flowing through her body. And Wade? Still talking, as per usual.

"So, what was her problem?" Deadpool asked, sitting casually with his feet on the table. "All I did was steal, and then soon break, her team's toaster. I've shot people who ended up less vengeful than that."

Wade sat in the casual comfort for a second before sensing stunned silence from the rest of the group. He looked to the other three, all in various states of shock as they stared at them. "S-Shot?!" Weiss asked, incredulously.

"Well, duh," Deadpool mocked, his voice absolutely dripping with the same tone of voice as someone talking down to a person they found less intelligent than them. "I am a mercenary, after all."

Ren, for what it was worth, was still rather calm, though whether that was just his normal calmness or a sense of security meant to prevent provoking Wade was unclear. "Sounds more like an assassin to me."

Deadpool raised his gaze to Ren with a rather deadpan look, at least for him. His eyes were narrowed, and his feet remained propped up on the table. "No, no. Assassin's only shoot people, and they don't have standards so long as they get paid. I love money as much as the next asshole, but I have morals."

"Didn't you just say you _shot_ people?" Weiss asked, her voice growing in intensity. "That's not moral at all!"

"Hey, hey," Deadpool interrupted, planting his feet back on the ground. Pulling a knife and a napkin out of a thigh holster and pocket, respectively, he began polishing the blade. "I have morals about _who_ I ice. Or whack. Or cupcake, should you live in certain circles. Point is, nine times out of ten, they usually deserve it."

Audibly coming off of her high, Nora sighed before pausing. "Wait," she questioned, holding a finger up to the air, "Who deserves you shooting them?"

"No one!" Weiss snappily answered, half-tempted to leave the madman behind now. But Wade began speaking before she could even stand up.

"Actually, quite a few people," he said, placing the knife back into his holster as he whipped out a black Glock pistol and began field-stripping and cleaning it at the table. "Street thugs, mob bosses, big company conglomerates, Mall Santas-"

"Mall Santas?" Ren questioned.

"Mall Santas," Deadpool repeated, still wiping off the magazine. "And I do not, nor will I ever, assassinate babies, animals, or anyone in the Parker, Richards, Banner, and Ross families. I also do not only perform assassinations."

Weiss had her head in her hands, her elbows propped up onto the table, as she asked "Oh, God, what else do you do?"

Suddenly, rising to his feet, Deadpool yelled out "GLAD YOU ASKED!" before pulling a clipboard out of his ass-

 **It's "Hammerspace", G.**

 _Sure_ it is, Wade. Sure it is. Pulling out a pen, he used it to indicate to various items on the clipboard. "I also do espionage, black ops, reconnaissance, target tracking, computer fraud, normal fraud, fraud fraud, mammograms, the Virginia Waltz, gun safety seminars, weed smoking tutorials, vaping tutorials, snatch and grabs, bag and tags, snatches and clams, Capture the Flag, professional wrestling, amatuer wrestling, mixed martial arts, normal martial arts, another Virgina Waltz, gun smuggling, knife smuggling, getaway driving, _and_ birthday parties."

There was another silence at the table, though this time was less moral outrage and more confusion. Baffled, uninterrupted confusion.

Finally, Ren questioned "Professional wrestling?"

Then, Weiss, still perturbed, asked "Birthday parties?"

And Nora, who was sitting there and paying attention, finally brought up "Mammograms?"

"Yep, yep, and yes indeed," Deadpool responded, sitting back down on the table. He began re-assembling his pistol, racking the slide back in place and placing the magazine back into the grip. "See? I'm a good guy...mostly...if the pay's right. I mean, there _is_ the occasional dude who gets shot who probably didn't deserve it. Superheroes, civilians, local DAs, the _actual_ Santa-"

Leaning back in his seat, Ren asked "Why is the moral option rarer? Wouldn't it make more sense for criminals to constantly order hits on the law-abiding and law-keeping?"

Clearing his throat, Deadpool put on a voice of explanatory lecture and responded quickly. "One very good reason, my dear man: power vacuums. See, if a whole bunch of cops or some costumed heroes go down, the big organized dudes will try to take as much territory as they can. Get as much prestige as they can. And when Wade Winston Wilson hiring psychopaths fight other criminal psychopaths, things get bloody. The smart guys know that, so they do things themselves instead of hiring professionals. And the dumb ones? They get caught, all the wealth they stole gets got by the police, and they can't even afford me."

Nora sits there, her attention grabbed by his explanation as she rests her head on her palms, says "Wow," in awe. Perking up, she says "That's actually really interesting, and...detailed. No offense."

With a satisfied smirk, Deadpool simply leans back and says "None taken. So, do you guys think you can trust me again? I can't punch an Infinity Gauntlet-wielding demigod bitch by myself. Arms are too short."

"I didn't trust you to begin with," Weiss dryly responds, lifting her head from her arms. "But, like I said, Ren can't handle both you and Nora alone. And besides, you need a moral compass. Fine, I'm going." Wordlessly, Ren nods and Nora pumps her fist.

 _Aw, happy ending!_

 _ **Wait, Greatness, is the chapter over yet?**_

Hmm...no, no. There's still one question you need answered, Wade.

 **Yeah? And what's-**

How are you going to get off Remnant?

Upon that question's asking, Deadpool began to stare off into space, confusing the other three. "Uh, Wade?" Nora asked, snapping her fingers, "Anybody home?"

Deadpool tilted his head to the left, and began drumming his fingers on the table, his eyes growing irritated. Suddenly, he slammed his hands on the table with a loud "SON OF A BITCH!" before standing up from the table. He began angrily pacing in circles, muttering to himself some... _colorful_ threats towards one Peter Quill for getting him stuck in this situation.

 **G, you better not leave this on a cliffhanger!**

Too bad. Undeterred, Wade pulled out his smartphone from his pocket and dialed a number on it, murmuring "This better have intergalactic dialing." Luckily, the number picked up.

"H-Hello?" said the woman on the other end, clearly confused as to who got her number.

"Hey, is this Maria Hill?" Deadpool responded, pressing the phone up to his ear.

The woman was silent for a bit before slipping into a more professional mindset. "Who is this?" she barked out, "And how did you get my number?"

Smirking, Deadpool answered "Unimportant. I'm Deadpool. I have an urgent conversation to have with your boss. Patch me in to Nick fuckin' Fury."

There was a pause. Maria Hill then simply asked "...Who are you?"

With wide eyes, Deadpool stammered out "D-Deadpool? Wade Wilson?"

"Not ringing any bells," was Maria Hill's simple response.

"I'm the dude that invented the 'Sheep Gun'?" Deadpool said, in an attempt to remind Maria of his identity. "I look like an edgy Spider-Man cosplayer on Deviant Art? I have cancer _literally_ everywhere? Nothing?"

Typing could be heard on the other end, with the sound of clicking various options breaking up the monotony somewhat. After around five minutes, during which time Deadpool stalked the grounds, throwing whoopie cushions and rubber chickens under various chairs out of sheer boredom, Maria Hill finally responded "I see..alright, I'll patch you through to Director Fury. But I don't think he'll be very happy to hear from you…"

"Make it so, Hill," Deadpool responded, "Make it so."

And so, it seemed things would end dramatically...until a squeaking sound could be heard. "What the-?!" was clearly vocalized, and Deadpool turned to see the results of his bored handiwork. A woman with black hair and piercing orange eyes gripped a rubber chicken in her fingerless gloved hands with irritation, the poor rubber animal shaking under the weight of her grip. "Who put this here?" she demanded, only seeing Wade as he snapped his fingers and walked backwards to the group's table.

Sitting down, Cinder turned to her companion Emerald next to her, who was looking at Deadpool with an eyebrow raised in confusion, and said "Do you recognize him, Emerald?"

"...Nope," was the simple response, before Emerald went back to eating a bar of chocolate she had bought. Cinder turned back to glare at Wade, her palms burning with increased temperature as she studied him.

 _Kinky!_

 _ **I think she wants to kill you, Wade.**_

 **What hot chick doesn't want to kill me, these days? Answer: Outlaw. Well, even then...**


	3. III: Back Home, and It Feels Good

_...Pretty sure Dark Phoenix took a swing at us once, too._

 _ **And She-Hulk threatened to kick our ass should we meet in Marvel vs Capcom 4-**_

 _Even though Marvel vs Capcom: Infinite has rolled around and neither of us are even in the damn game-_

 _ **And I also recall Blind Al smacking our dick at one point or another.**_

Wade Wilson was stuck on a hold-line. This was hell for the usually manic mercenary,or the closest thing to it, at the least. He had to stand there like a lemon while some pussy pop-punk song he didn't care for played, all the while ignoring the odder-than-usual looks he was getting from the Huntsmen and Huntresses surrounding him. And to make matters worse, his inner voices were now spouting off every single woman back home who has threatened to take a piece of him at one point or another.

"So, let me get this straight," Deadpool responded aloud, which actually almost looked normal due to his phone, "The only girls who _haven't_ threatened to beat, kill, or castrate me at any point are Lady Death, Vanessa, and _Squirrel-Girl?!_ "

 _Yep!_

 _ **Pretty much. Well, aside from Nora and Ice Queen.**_

Before Deadpool could respond to his inner monologue, he went off hold, a voice already on the other end. "Just what the _hell_ do you want?!" Said voice, that of Director Nick Fury himself in all his Samuel L. Jackson-sounding glory, was most certainly not happy.

"Fury!" Deadpool called out, his tone as gleeful as someone meeting an old friend for dinner, "How's my favorite cyclops doi-"

"Shut the hell up, that's how I'm doing!" Fury responded. Wade could hear the sounds of Director Fury typing away, guessing that perhaps he was reading the database to find out more about him and his powers.

 _ **Or he's Googling how to shoot us in just the right way to make our jaw fall off.**_

 _That's sound metal as shit, and now I want him to do that._

Not losing his tone, Deadpool cheerfully said "If that's how you're doing, then talking defeats the purpose of it." As he checked the back of his gloved hand as if checking his nails, he continued "Anyway, I need a favor from ya, One-Eyed Bart."

Fury's response was quick, but nuclear. Wade swore he could hear the years of having to deal with idiots like him on a daily basis as it took its toll on his temper. "Help you?! Why would I ever help you?"

Sighing, Deadpool said, with a tone of obviousness and pretentiousness more becoming of someone speaking to a 10 year old, "Because I've aided SHIELD enough times to get my name on your go-to list."

"No, it isn't! Your ass is on our blacklist!" Fury responded, his temper flaring, "And do you wanna know why? Maybe it's because of all the times you screwed us over!"

"Pssh," Deadpool blew off, "Like what?"

"You stole an expensive prototype for some quick cash-"

* * *

Dashing through the metal plated hallways of a pristine Quinjet, Deadpool fled away from his pursuers; armed guards, with loaded M-16 Assault Rifles, who were trying to stop him from taking the machine in his arms. It had an antenna, and a whole bunch of buttons Wade didn't care about on its side.

"Wade Winston Wilson!" One mook shouted out, "You're under arrest! Drop the Neuro Transmitter and get on your knees!"

Turning back, running with his back to the walls, Deadpool shouted back "Do I look like I'm your dad on one of his 'secret rendezvous', Cameron?" before returning his gaze to his directions. He smiled when he audibly heard the guard lose his shit.

 **As they tend to do, yeah.**

* * *

"Good times!" Wade cried out, reminiscing and reliving the memory in his head. "Hey, did you know I would'a made $20,000 on that-"

"Do I sound like I give a shit?" Fury snappily responded. He was tapping his fingers on his desk, and it sounded like he was about to shove them through the wood. "You also crashed a Quinjet directly into the Statue of Liberty-"

* * *

Michael Henderson lived a good life. He had a wonderful wife, three kids, and a spry young hound he named Felix. He was walking around the Statue of Liberty, the trying stress the city put upon him not even touching a fraction of his mood, and he seemed peaceful. But a dark shadow suddenly loomed over him and, in a flash, fires had burst out above him. Michael only had a few seconds to react before Lady Liberty's torch came down upon him, and his vision faded away; lost like any other leaf on the wind.

* * *

"...Jesus fuckin' Christ, G," Deadpool parroted, repeating the thoughts of all my readers. "W-What even the fuck, man?"

After a pregnant, awkward pause on the other end of the phone, Nick Fury cautiously responded with "...What?"

Deadpool hurriedly responded "Nothin' you'd care about!" before standing up tall, defensively stating "And they fixed the thing in a month. French Engineering, man. Those guys can fix _anything-_ "

Fury rudely interrupted "Shut up!" before composing himself. With a loud clearing of his throat, he continued with "And just as the icing on your shit-ridden cake, you spray-painted "MACE WINDU WAS THE WORST PART OF THE PREQUELS!" in neon pink inside of my office!"

It took a few more seconds for Wade to respond than usual, and when he did, he seemed quieter. "That part was just a joke," he lamely said back, sounding rightly sheepish in his tone.

"Look, all I'm saying is, after doing all that, why should we have to help you?" Fury said, back to tapping his fingers.

 _Are you thinking what I'm thinking?_

 _ **Give up, and try to matchmake Ren and Nora so that they have vigorous sex before the fic ends?**_

 _Well, yeah! But, uh, I meant about Fury._

 _ **Oh...Hang on, I've got something.**_

"Fury, hows about I catch one of your most wanted?" Wade blurted out, asking the question before even thinking about it. As per usual. "Like, oh, I don't know, Doctor Doom? I understand he's been a pain in the ass recently."

Fury chuckled and responded "How the hell are you gonna spin this into me helpin' you?" What he couldn't see was Wade gaining a loud, smug, and most of all manic smile.

"I'll do it for free. No costs, no charge, nothin'. I'll pay for my own ammo, and my own collateral."

It took a second for Director Nick Fury to even muster up the words to respond to that, but eventually, he came around. He sighed, and began typing away. "Your...own collateral, huh? ...What did you need help with?"

* * *

Deadpool strolled confidently back to the table, smug and superior in his swagger. Ren and Nora were still sitting there, with the stoic one sitting in his seat quietly. Nora bounced out of her chair and shouted "Welcome back!", throwing her arms out wide.

"'Sup," Deadpool replied, flashing up the peace sign before coming to a stopping point at the table. With a cocked eyebrow-

 **Heh.**

Ahem, Deadpool asked "Hey, where's Ice Queen? She gave up already?"

Ren, voice of reason that he was, quickly filled in the situation, shaking his head and stating "No, it's just that Weiss and her team has their own responsibilities. Team RWBY _is_ next up for the duo's match, after all."

 **Man, that is one** _ **weird**_ **word when it's all spelled out like that. Y'ever notice that, G?**

When I first heard of the show before it started airing, I didn't even know how to pronounce it. Besides the point, of course. At this, Wade nodded and moved to sit back down. As soon as he leaned back to rest in the seat, however, he heard a whimper close by to him, a couple of tents down. With his eyebrow raised, he stood back up and walked over to the tents. "Uh, Wade?" Nora asked, "You alright?"

"Thought I heard something," Deadpool responded, turning to look her in the eyes. He observed "Man, this must be one quiet-ass festival, then."

Ren stood as well, walking around the table to look with Wade. "It's not exactly a party," Ren replied, "Plus, it's rather early in the morning."

Just then, the whimper showed itself yet again. This time, it was clearly coming from a nearby tent. Deadpool peered behind them, and saw that bunny girl from before. She was wearing a sleek, brown combat uniform, and her ears were not upright. No, they were instead being grabbed by a young man with short brown hair and steel armor. He towered over her, with him and his teammates laughing at her misfortune.

"Cardin, please," Velvet begged, "Just let me go!" She was clearly in pain if the grimaces were any indication, her features tensing as she grabbed at Cardin's arm futilely.

 **Animal girls are girls, too! You gonna let me have 'em, G?**

With pleasure. At this, Deadpool scowled. "Wade," Nora said, "This isn't something we can just jump into."

"Nora, darling," Deadpool responded, his voice lower as he stared into Cardin's soul while he wasn't looking, "He is _hurting_ her. He is literally causing pain to what appears to be the walking _personification_ of adorableness here. And by doing so, he has offended me as a person!" Gesturing dramatically with one finger pointed up the sky, he declared "I shall rectify this, so swear I! Specifically, like this! FUCK, CUNT, SHIT, ASS, THE SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE!"

Confused, Ren cocked his head to the side and said "...How is a movie a swear?"

"Y'ever see that movie?" Deadpool asked, frowning when Ren shook his head. "Well, it's close enough to a profanity." And with that, Deadpool ran towards them. Team CRDL obviously had heard his declaration and his running, and had turned to him.

One of them, the mohawk wearing Russel Thrush, smirked and chuckled. "Nice costume, dude!" he taunted, "What's the occasion? Did some asylum patients escape a Halloween party?"

"Look, just get lost!" the longer-haired Sky Lark shouted out, "None of this concerns you!" Reaching his hand to his lower back, Sky pulled out his weapon; a collapsable halberd that quickly shot forth with a glistening and polished blade. "So, just go back to your freak show, why don't ya?"

Scoffing, Wade reached back and took hold of the hilts of his twin katana. He cracked his neck before pulling the blades out, making theatrics about it; he spun them around, threw his right one into the air before switching hands and grabbing it on the way down with his left, and twirling them around his head. When he finished, he rested them by his sides. "So," he asked, "How was that?"

Cardin released his hold on Velvet's ears, the young girl groaning as she rubbed the soft fur on the back of them, and said "Pretty sweet." He then pulled out his own weapon, a mace-like club, and twirled it around his own hand. "You know," he intoned as an addendum, "For some weirdo. Dove?"

"Six outta ten," was Dove's quick response, disinterestedly leaning back on a wooden post next to the tent. His left hand was hovering over his sword, but he didn't seem to care otherwise, if his squint and tone were any indication.

Deadpool's eye widened at this, and he grumbled in offense. "Six out of ten?!" he cried, exasperated. He stomped his feet into the dirt, and yelled "Are you kiddin' me?!" Stepping forward, Wade pointed one katana up, shoving the blade forward to threaten Cardin. "In the name of the cute bunny girl-" he dramatically stated, before pausing. "Hey, uh, what's your name?" he asked her.

Velvet let loose a squeak as she started to back away, stammering out a "V-Velvet," before hiding behind some boxes behind another tent, watching the action from behind the cover.

"Thanks!" Wade called back to her, before refocusing on his creed. "In the name of the cute bunny girl named Velvet, and in defense of my 1337 skills-"

How did you do that?

 **Roll with it, G. Roll. With. It.**

Wade began twirling his katana again, before crossing the blades into an X in front of his face. "You are now, officially, on my shit-" and then he was interrupted. He heard slashing, splattering, a scream, and something falling to the ground. It was kind of hard to see what happened as his severed head rolled away from his still upright body, though.

Ren stood there, stunned and horrified as Nora cried out and clasped a hand over her mouth. Velvet's skin seemed to turn green and her cheeks puffed out, holding her own hand there to prevent the bile of disgust from pouring from her lips. And as for Sky Lark, the halberd-wielding Huntsman who did this while Deadpool was distracted? "OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT!" he screamed out, freaking out and shaking with his halberd twitching in his hands, blood dripping off the blade.

Then Wade's body turned to Sky, and everyone stopped. There were looks of horror and shocked, with widened eyes and gaping mouths to indicate that what was happening was, to them, a physical impossibility. It was at that moment that Weiss rushed back to Ren and Nora's side, worriedly asking "Is everything alright? I heard screaming. What did Wade do this-" Her gaze was then caught by Deadpool's decapitated body, which took that opportunity to throw up both hands, the middle finger standing erect on both ones while all other fingers clenched into a fist. Weiss couldn't hold back, and she let loose whimpers of fear; someone she thought insane was now decapitated, and was still alive to flip someone off. What other reaction was there?

"Oh, _that's_ what happened," Wade summed up, and everyone screamed. Weiss, Nora, Ren, Team CRDL, and Velvet all let out yells of fear and panic. If the background noise and ambience to this event was any indication, that being of laughter and music, the festival had ramped up, and thus drowned out the proceedings. Deadpool's body finally dropped his double-birds to bend over, picking up his own head and slapping it into the stump. When the hand released the mask, Deadpool's head quickly reattached itself.

After cracking neck again to make sure the skin was back, he took a beat of five seconds to look at Sky, the eyes of his mask indicating, for lack of a better term, how little of a shit he gave. After that five seconds, he said "...BOO!" and leaned forward slightly. Just like that, all four members of Team CRDL screamed and fled the area, pocketing their weapons before getting out of dodge. Wade clapped in satisfied victory, and turned back to his traveling party.

The three of them were flabbergasted, utterly stunned. Ren was the most composed, simply having this disturbed look in his eye. Nora, while confused and disgusted even still, slowly regained her smirk, apparently finding the sight a shocking awe to witness. And Weiss was stammering, her hands tangled up in her hair. "H-How-How did-" she muttered, before outright asking "How did you do that?!"

"Simple!" Deadpool enthusiastically responded, walking closer to the three. "You see, I have a thing with the female personification of Death-"

"You've already lost me," Weiss admitted, sounding both exasperated and disgusted. With a deep sigh, she gestured to keep going anyway, while also muttering "But, then again, you just put your own head back on. I can stand it."

Cracking his knuckles, Wade said "Yeah, so, Death and I have a thing. But this one dude, Thanos, wasn't a fan. Dude wanted to stick his own blue dick into Death, you see. So, he cursed me with immortality, which also boosted my healing factor."

"Oh, so you putting your head back on is a different thing?" Nora attempted to specify, which Wade confirmed by nodding his reattached head to the question. "How did you get that?" she continued to ask, leaning forward with a smile of curiosity.

"Oh, it's actually this long story," Wade answered, shrugging his shoulders.

 **What's so long about "I have cancer, they stuck Wolverine into my bloodstream, and I can now cut my own dick off and it grows back the next day?"**

Two words: Bunny Girl.

Right on que, Deadpool turned with wide eyes and made his way over to the crates Velvet hid away behind. And indeed, there she was, curled up into a ball with her hands over her human ears. Her rabbit ears were curled up, and she looked horrified. "Hey," Deadpool comforted, "Are you alright? They didn't hurt you too bad, did they?"

Velvet shook her head, but didn't say anything else. If the green hue of her skin and the water bubbling up in her eyes was any indication, then she was truly afraid of what happened. This was confirmed when she chanced a glance at Wade, only to then look even more sick and curl up tighter. "Hey, kid," Deadpool quietly said, "I didn't mean to get my head chopped off. Can I make it up to you?" She didn't answer at first, so Wade got into specifics. "You like chocolate?" he asked, which finally got her to look at him. "I can buy you some milk chocolates, if you'd like some. Consider it my apology for my decapitation desecration."

Velvet nodded, and thus, Wade walked back to the group with a simple request: "Anyone got the cash for some chocolate?"

* * *

"It's not that I can't handle myself," Velvet explained, popping a milk chocolate ball into her mouth at the pause and quietly chewing it. The group, plus her, were now sat at the usual table, and while Velvet still looked disturbed and frazzled, she did calm down in Deadpool's presence as she ate the chocolates. "It's just, well, I-I don't like hurting students, y-you know?"

"I understand," Ren sympathetically said, his hands clasped together on the table. "It must be difficult, though. Being defenseless as opposed to having a defense too great."

Velvet nodded along to his words, nibbling down on another chocolate ball. "Coco always tells me," she started, pausing to eat the chocolate ball. Once she gulped down the delectable treat, an approving "Mm,' exiting her lips at the taste, she continued "Always tells me, without fail, to let loose. That I can stop myself before I seriously injuring them. But if I injure them, aren't I as bad?"

"Depends," Deadpool casually replied, his hands on the back of his head as he relaxed into his seat. "You're just defending yourself, kiddo. Nothin' necessarily _wrong_ in roughing people up if they'd already started hurting you."

Nora peered over to him with raised eyebrow, and asked "Why aren't you being absolutely ridiculous, Wade?" with a slight pout.

 **Aw, she's all disappointed and cute and stuff-GET ME HOME BEFORE I INSTINCTUALLY SING SOME J-POP OUT OF PEOPLE EXPECTING A BADASS OP!**

Patience. Dumbass. In response, Wade merely shrugged his shoulders. "I'd be remiss if I freaked the little bunny girl out," he said, only to then make the aside "You guys, on the other hand, I don't give a shit about in terms of freaking people out. You want _my_ attention, you have to have bunny ears."

Rolling her eyes, Weiss ignored the choice comment by Wade and instead decided to talk to her friends at the table. "Right, anyway," she said, turning her attention specifically to Nora, "We agreed that it's me and Yang vs Team FNKI for the doubles, unless I'm unavailable-"

"Wait," Deadpool interrupted, the eyes of his mask now showing joviality as he held a hand up to gesture for her silence. "Funky? They are _literally_ called FNKI?" he asked, proceeding to laugh under his breath. "Oh, wow. Actually, I can't laugh," he stated, "There's a dude where I'm from named "Victor von _Doom,"_ so…"

Nora began laughing as well, hitting a gloved fist into the table. "Von Doom?!" she cried out, "What-haha-what's next? Vincent von Villainous?!" She continued her mad laughter, drowning out the rest of the festival in favor of her own mirth.

"Speaking of your home," Ren asked, "Who was that you were calling?" Even Velvet, who had quieted down to eat her chocolate in frazzled silence, turned her attention to Wade upon hearing that question asked.

Wade released his hands from their position clasped at the back of his head, only to reach with his left hand towards Velvet's chocolates. Said hand was quickly slapped away.

 _Rude!_

 _ **Try asking first?**_

 **Fuck manners. What the hell have they done for me?**

"Well," Deadpool responded, rubbing the slapped flesh with his other hand. "That, my friends, was my ticket home."

Weiss rolled her eyes, and sighed under what would've been a normal breath. "Oh, really?" she asked, "And how do you suppose that work-" She was then interrupted suddenly by an odd noise: it was as though space-time itself had it's doorways opened.

Behind Wade, right in the middle of the crowd of happy-festival goers, a blue shimmering portal opened. Wade turned, seemingly to greet whomever came for him, but when he had turned, he instead let out an odd noise of confusion. Out of the portal hopped a man in green and yellow armor that concealed all flesh, along with a rather large energy gun strapped to his back. His eyes scanned the area for a spell, before clearing his throat. "Attention!" he called out, stopping everyone already staring in their tracks, "I am searching for Wade Wilson!"

"Holy shit!" Nora called out, staring down the portal and the mysterious person she could only assume from voice alone was male.

Ren was silent, only gripping Velvet's wrist in comfort as her expression sought only the utter baffled confusion. Weiss turned to Deadpool, staring into the back of his head with widened eyes and a slacked-jaw. "You…" she stammered out, "You-You're _not crazy?!_ "

Deadpool turned to her, his own confusion present through the expressiveness of his eyes. "No, I am," he replied, before turning his attention back to the man. "Just not about this. Hey!" he called out, waving his hands to him, "I'm Wade! Uh, who the hell are you?"

"Portal," he declared, clenching his fist in a determined pose. And yet, silence only ensued as Deadpool blinked twice at this. "Uh...I'm a mutant?" and yet, more silence and blinking. "I-I can make portals in other dimensions?" Again, only confused silence. "I...Director Fury sent me some coordinates from a...you know, from a S.H.I.E.L.D satel-look, just get in the portal!"

At that, Wade stood up and walked over to it. "I hope you don't mind," Deadpool said, gesturing to the table, "But I'm bringing a plus...three. A plus three, yeah."

"Not to worry," Portal reassured, "Director Fury told me that you told him about the guests." At this Deadpool nodded and gestured to the table.

Nora, obviously enough, leaped at the chance. Quite literally, actually: she jumped on top of the table, running across the oak wood, before leaping to the ground. Ren followed suit, just quietly walking to her. Weiss, however, was reluctant. Though she stood, she also held her ground, stating "No! No way in hell!"

"Can't back down now, Ice Queen!" Deadpool chastised, ignoring a choice "HEY!" coming from her to instead turn to Portal. "So, you're sure we can make it back?"

Portal nodded, and specified "I can open a portal to people who've passed through my portals one way or another. Shouldn't be too hard to return to either Director Fury or Professor Xavier. And I already know you want Fury for this," before hopping in. Deadpool and Nora also leaped in, while Ren instead cautiously took the plunge. On instinct, Weiss ran in after them.

* * *

As it turned out, entering another dimension was quite the mind trip. While Portal strutted confidently through their "connecting flight" as it were, and Deadpool simply waltzed through, all three denizens of Remnant had mixed reactions to this new world. The dimension was, at least in this area, a ruined city, with the sounds of growls passing through. Nora was ecstatic, her eyes shooting every which way with a smile on her face as Ren followed behind. While he, too, watched over the place, he seemed much more stoic. Weiss, on the other hand, was gaping in shock.

Before long, a new portal opened in front of them, and they had passed through it with little issue. Just in time, too, as Deadpool turned his head to see various costumed heroes, all in states of decay, shamble towards them. "NOPE!" he called out, before leaping in.

* * *

On the other side, a man stood waiting with his hands behind his back. He was dark-skinned and bald, with a eyepatch on his left eye. He wore a leather coat over a turtleneck, and by his side was a woman with tied up hair, sifting through the contents of a tablet with a S.H.I.E.L.D uniform.

In front of them, emerged Portal, who waltzed up to Nick Fury, who wordlessly passed him a check. He portaled away as Nora, Ren, and Weiss also came through. Now, all of them were in awe, standing aboard the open skies and parked aircraft. They were on the deck of the Helicarrier. "Well, now," Nick Fury asked, "I'm guessing you're Deadpool's plus...threes?"

"YEP!" Nora called out confidently, "We're here to punch God in the face!" She slammed a fist into her hand as a show of strength.

Ren quietly shook his head and simply replied "Close enough," before nodding.

With a smirk, Fury said "Well, nice to see the enthusiasm, but-", only to then stop and look around. "The hell is he?"

Just then, Deadpool leaped out of the portal, yelping and hollering as he did. "MARVEL ZOMBIES!" he cried out, leaping away from the portal and standing away from it, aiming dual sub machine guns at the entrance to the portal. "Not interested in getting bitten today, assholes! Nope! Nada! Kindly fuck off, thank-HEH?!" he said, shouting the last word as the woman, Maria Hill, shot a stun gun directly into his back. He collapsed like a deck of playing cards, landing face first on the asphalt with no protection.

"What the hell?" Weiss quietly asked, turning to the duo.

Nick Fury, now without much emotion besides stone cold, now greeted "Well, now. Welcome to Earth!" before turning away, allowing Maria Hill to greet them as she rushed over and pulled the taser barbs out of Wade's back. The three watched on, each stunned in their own way. Earth? Wade's home was essentially called "dirt"? But it didn't matter. They were now, apparently, on another planet. And were now undertaking their quest to kick Peter Quill's ass.

Oh dear God.

* * *

 **Wait, huh? Isn't the chapter over?**

No peeking.

* * *

Meanwhile, within the dorm of the interlopers at Beacon, Cinder stood before the mirror. It would be fifteen minutes before the duos match, and things had changed, though not in a way that would change anything. Weiss had been replaced with Blake in the match, following Weiss's acceptance into that lunatic's quest, but that didn't mean alterations couldn't be made. She slipped on the jacket she wore to the festival and prepared to leave, but she just couldn't. She stared at the doorknob, but everytime she felt like closing it, she gained a deathly chill down her spine. "What...what _is_ this?" she asked herself, turning back to the mirror.

Nothing was wrong with her reflection, but she now felt like she was being watched. No eyes were present, but she still could feel them dig their gaze into her back. A voice emerged from nowhere, stealing a shocked gasp from her. "Cinder Fall," the voice stated. It was raspy and dark, almost cutting through the air itself rather than flowing through it's breeze. "You are...strong. I have use for you."

Cinder peered into the mirror for a second, before she turned away from it to watch the room with her own eyes. "Like hell I will!" she called out, her orange eyes glowing with the flame now burning through her, "WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Just then, the door swung open and off its hinges, falling to the ground with a loud thud. Cinder turned just in time to feel a hand on her face, and then her mind was cleared. She felt willing to listen, but no other thoughts passed. Through now-half lidded eyes, she could only see the intruder's face: pitch black skin darker than any night sky, with glowing and solid white eyes. "Shh," he said to her, his own voice now quieter. "Don't panic. I merely ask a favor of you."

Cinder stood there, listening as the figure stared into her eyes. "I need your power and potential," he said, "You can become even stronger. You need only aid me."

"What must I do?" Cinder asked, captivated now by this stranger she knew nothing about. The stranger backed away from her.

"Simple, child," he told her, and she could feel herself understanding in spite of the fact that he gave no context.

" _He_...must... _ **die…"**_


	4. IV: Prime Earth Culture

**My teeth hurt.**

 _ **We did just get tazed, Wade.**_

 _I'd say "DON'T TAZE ME, BRO!" but that ship's sailed._

Can you three just wait your turn?

 **Fuck you!**

See what I have to deal with? Now, on with the story:

* * *

"We're on another planet," Weiss summed up, her tone shocked and her eyes wide as she looked around the inside of the SHIELD Helicarrier. It didn't feel different to her; in spite of Wade's ramblings when they first met, the air felt normal, and the gravity wasn't any stronger or weaker. It felt like Remnant, which made the differences she _did_ spot all the more baffling. Dust didn't seem to be fueling anything. In fact, it didn't even seem to exist, if the chatter of employees was any indication; they didn't mention it at all, only alternative fuel sources like gas and oil (of which, the former's prices were apparently exorbitantly high.) Guns were normal, everyday firearms, and knives were perfectly acceptable combat knives.

From her right, Nora bounced alongside her and also gawked at the place, though her expression was more joyful surprise than anything else. "I know!" she responded, "Isn't it cool?!" She skipped about the place, gawking at anything and everything that caught her fancy. Soldiers, computers, and the occasional vending machine all made her bright smile shine that much brighter.

From her left, meanwhile, Ren calmly watched over the place on his own terms with his hands placed firmly in his pockets. "It's certainly…" Ren said, pausing to find the right word to describe it. He settled for "...awe-inspiring," just as the woman in front of them turned to them.

With a diplomatic, though professional, grin, Maria Hill slid the keycard through the door slot as she spoke. "Yeah, thought you'd say something like that," she told them, "Truth is, we get...offworlders all the time, but most of them are big blue titans or shapeshifters." The twin sliding doors threw themselves open, revealing the busy bridge of the Helicarrier. Suits and ties adorned each and every worker as they typed away on system monitors and readouts, all amidst a backdrop of different, dark tones of blue. The pattern of a bird adorned the floor, it's head pointing to a window that Nick Fury himself stood at, observing the world below him.

"Yeah, yeah, sounds great!" Deadpool shouted, still being carried around on the back of a SHIELD Soldier as he worked to overcome the painful, yet temporary, aftereffects of a stun gun. "Good thing I can't feel my kidneys," he mused, "Because then, I'd really be hurting." After a pause, the group walked onto the bridge only to stopped by Wade once again. "Wait, there it is," he said. After another split second, he suddenly uttered a pained, pitiful whine as he futilely kicked his feet in an attempt to stave it off.

 **G, buddy! That is** _ **not**_ **cool, alright?**

I'm not lying to them and saying you "whined with extreme masculinity," alright? In any event, the pair eventually came to rest at helm of the bridge. With a salute, Maria Hill stated "Director Fury, sir."

With a nod, Nick Fury turned around to face the group, his expression neutral yet unwavering. "Well, now that I'm getting a good look at you," he said, pausing for effect before eventually throwing in "You look ridiculous." Before Weiss could shout out at him in offense, he clarified "Which, of course, means you fit right in."

Nora's eyebrow raised itself as she looked at him, still seemingly hopping along on her feet as she did so. "Wait," she attempted to clarify, "Do you mean to say that everyone looks as ridiculous as Wade?" She pointedly ignored the glare coming her way from Wade's gaze, and instead looked expectantly at Nick Fury.

Fury simply verbally shrugged, stating "Well, some of them. Most of them don't use guns, but if you're talking tight-ass spandex or just plain weird-as-shit outfits, then we've got those in spades." He then turned to Maria Hill and gave a simple nod, implying that she was at ease, and thus allowing her to walk off into the Helicarrier.

Weiss's shocked silence soon ended as she brought herself back to her normal standards of politeness. Outstretching a hand, she said "Well, it's a pleasure to meet you." When he didn't reply immediately, Weiss greeted "I'm...I'm Weiss."

"I'm Nora!" Nora excitedly shouted, also holding out her hand to greet him. Her sheer energy radiated out of her, almost, as when several employees looked up to see just what was going on, they turned back to their monitors with smirks.

Finally, Ren relented and pushed his hand out, simply stating "Ren," as his greeting. Deadpool also tried to push his hand out, but only succeeded in throwing it out and smacking the soldier carrying him in the face, which didn't exactly do wonders with his scowl.

Without much more than a cursory glance to the hands, Fury waved them off with a simple gesture. "I don't shake hands," he said, turning his attention back out the viewing window. "Could pull you in for a surprise attack. Occupational hazard." His hands linked behind his back, watching over the clear skies of Earth. "Wade got you caught up in a little deal, sorry to say. Gonna have to pull your weight."

"Oh, he did, did he?" Weiss curtly noted, turning a fearsome glare in Wade's direction. It was as if her blue eyes shined through an ocean, but one that'd sooner drown someone than provide a relaxing current. If Wade's gulp upon seeing them was any indication-

 **Okay. I admit it. Freaked me the fuck out.**

You're a brave man, Wade. Nick Fury smirked, but did not shift his one-eyed gaze back to the group. "You're just gonna be cleaning up a little mess, 's all," Fury specified. He turned his head towards a wall on the left, revealing a clock. The blue lettering shined the message "0900" out, which made him nod slightly. "You have rooms towards the back of the Helicarrier. Settle yourselves down, catch a quick nap, watch some Earth culture on TV-"

"Nothing good is on TV, though," Wade interrupted, slurring slightly. Weiss pinched her nose between her fingers as Nora chuckled and Ren held his tongue from any reaction.

With a sigh, Fury ignored his words and continued "As I was saying, watch stuff on TV, get a drink, just get comfortable. Briefing is at 1800, or 6:00 PM."

An understanding silence passed for a split second, only for Nora to comment "Whoa...that's a _really_ long nap, though!" Despite sensing Nora's impending enthusiasm, Ren was too late to stop her, as she prattled on "I mean, if you nap for that long, isn't it just sleep, then? Or is it only sleeping if it's at night? But six in the evening _could_ be considered night depending on the timezone and, y'know, at that point, you shouldn't be napping, because we have important work to do, and-"

"Nora," Ren interrupted, calmly holding her shoulder. In a split-second, Nora's face shifted from enthusiastic to calm. "We'll have plenty of time to think all this over," Ren continued, patting her shoulder in a further attempt to quell her excitement, "Let's just do what the Director says and get a good rest in. If Wade's deal managed to convince this man, it's surely fairly important." Without another word, Nora calmly nodded.

"Alan," Fury noted, the armored man carrying Wade nodding in response, "Go ahead and take them to their barracks. They need more rest than I do." Alan nodded without speaking, gesturing for them to follow as he walked out with Wade on his shoulder. As they left, Maria Hill slowly walked back to the conversation.

She saluted to Nick Fury, and asked "Sir, they only seem like teenagers. Are you sure it's wise?" Fury didn't respond at first, seemingly content to watch the clouds. After a second, Maria Hill continued "It could be far more dangerous than they think."

"They seem like they can handle themselves, and it's not like there aren't teenage heroes around," Fury finally responded, turning to rest his eye on Hill. "'Sides that, it's just a simple bag and tag on a small-time guy. How dangerous could this job really be?"

* * *

"This place is actually more fuckin' swanky than I gave him credit for," Wade noted. They had just entered the living quarters sectioned off for them, and indeed, the place was actually quite nice. It was just a random, unused room on the Helicarrier that had been refurbished and repurposed, but the dimensions were roomy and spacious, and a TV was hung up on the wall. Their four beds were lined up against the wall to serve as their seating arrangement as well as their resting area, giving the whole thing the feel of a dorm room.

 **My dorm room blew in college. It was just big enough to fuck that year's prom queen, and that was it. Well, we didn't call it prom back then, but y'know, America Fuck Yeah and everything.**

You fucked Prom Queen?

 **No, I said my room was used for the Prom Queen fucking. You think I was all that popular?**

 _ **No./**_ _Yes!_

 **Excellent, perfect, one of you is lying to me. What else is new?**

"Well," Nora concurred, moving to the beds. Each one was identical, with blue sheets and blanketing. "I mean," she said, "It's not awful. But there's all this space and nothing to put in it!" She sat down, thinking, then sprang up with an idea. "I've got it!" she cried out, "Let's get a pool table!"

Both of the rational people in the room reacted as you would expect. Weiss pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head as Ren calmly walked to where Nora was. "Nora," he responded, "Wouldn't it be easier to have just a normal table?

Deadpool shook his head with a "tsk, tsk" under his breath. Leaning down to Ren's level, he chastised "Ren, my main man, you can't play pool with a normal table." He ruffled Ren's hand with his right hand, tussling it between his digits, before finishing with "Silly Ren." To Ren's credit, his only response to that was a sigh before moving to a bed and sitting on it. Nora was already flicking through channels, trying to find something bright enough to be eye-catching without effort.

 **Something's different about your writing, G.**

Would you believe me if I told you it's been months between certain paragraphs? Anyway, Weiss responded to this inanity by simply sitting on, and thus claiming, a bed. She grabbed the remote by her side and flicked the TV on, cutting straight to the news. An anchorman stood in front of the camera with slicked back hair and a calm demeanour as he continued "-receiving reports that certain Superheroes in a recent heroic excursion to deep space are now coming back, including several casualties."

"Casualties?" Wade asked, before narrowing his eyes in remembrance. "Right..that Thanos thing. Almost forgot that Petey getting that damn Gauntlet was only a couple weeks ago. Makes sense." He himself moved to the wall and leaned against it, watching on. "With how many supers are in the Marvel universe," he explained aloud, "No wonder a few of 'em, dead or alive, are coming back now."

The three Remnant-born shushes him summarily as the anchor continued to read off names. "The death toll so far has not been confirmed in full and very few names have been confirmed. We will disclose more information at this time." The anchor shuffled his papers and looked ready to speak, but Weiss flicked the channel.

"Deadpool," Weiss asked of him, swallowing down a comment about said identity, "I only heard glimpses, and only after the battle. Would you mind explaining more about it?" Deadpool shrugged in a lackadaisical manner-

 **Huh?**

Means you didn't give a shit.

 **Ah. Continue.**

-and sat on the last unclaimed bed. He tapped his knees for a second in thought before nodding. "Alright, so," Deadpool started, casually removing his mask. At the shocked gasp before him, he turned to look at them, seeing Weiss's disgust, Nora's horror, and Ren's unnerved expression.

After all, he looked burnt up and cancer ridden. "What?" he rhetorically asked, "Am I that damn sexy?" He asked this with a pose, a hand behind his head, that did the job of just squicking Weiss out further. "I _have_ been told that I look like Ryan Reynolds, after all."

 _Yet we sound like Nolan North!_

 _ **Is that canon?**_

 _Who cares?_

"Wade," Ren calmly asked of him, "Please put the mask back on." Not having anything better to do, he slipped the fabric back on. "Thank you," he said, as Weiss sighed in relief, and Nora, well, easiest way to describe that is a fish flapping it's jaws around.

"Okay," Deadpool got around to. "So, you wanna know the truth about Thanos? There isn't much to talk about." He leaned back onto his bed. "Dude wanted to stick his dick in Death, so he gave himself God-like powers, a bunch of heroes went to space, we kicked his ass, and got him powerless and arrested in who fuckin' knows where."

* * *

Meanwhile, in a shifting perspective in a different time and place…

* * *

I couldn't even remember what happened.

It was supposed to be a simple excursion from camp. Our boss's right hand woman, a short haired lady named Vernal, had asked us to venture out and case local villages. To raze? To extort? It didn't really matter so much, but it was the job me and that buck-toothed kid at camp were instructed to do. The kid's name was Shay, and whoever named him that wasn't wrong, because he seemed shady indeed.

We were on their way back, having scoped out a place called Shion to be added onto our list of priorities, when we found an arrow stabbed into the dirt road in front of them. Shay grinned that damn creepy grin he had before running over, trying to steal the thing like he knew it's value or where it's been. He picked that thing out of the ground, and held it over his head like a trophy or something. But the arrow-tip glowed red, and then…

I can't remember. There was a loud bang, I was thrown into a tree, and that tree snapped in half when I cleared right through it. When I landed on my back in a small clearing, I could only barely see the road. If the meat I saw was supposed to be Shay, then at least that poor kid went out without so much as a single stab of pain. Maybe. Couldn't say the same for me, though. My left arm hurt like hell at my elbow, but everything below that elbow felt like nothing. When I turned my head and saw a stump instead of my own fingers? That's when everything made sense.

I suddenly began to feel this heat build up in front of me. I picked my head up to see what was what, and I couldn't think of a more perfect last image. Young girl, somewhere in that 17-23 range, in a slinky red dress that had glowing yellow patterns. Her hair was black, her eyes yellow, and her figure was perfect. Still, what wasn't so hot was the bow and arrow she had pointed directly at my skull. It was then that my ears stopped ringing, right when she gently whispered a command to me. "Tell me," she asked, sultry and yet so sinister in her tone, "Where might I find your leader, Raven Branwen?"

I opened my mouth to lash out. Tell her to go fuck herself. But the minute my lips so much as pursed, I began coughing up blood. I felt my own blood traill out of my lips, and I saw it pool over the white and crimsons of my own clothes. I reached into my pocket with my right hand, still miraculously intact, and pulled out a Scroll I had pilfered long ago. I went into the Map, and punched in coordinates, before showing them to the violent little seductress before me.

"Excellent," she noted, before pulling the drawstring back. Last thing I can recall is her releasing that drawstring, before I felt something slam into my forehead, and my vision instantly cutting black.

* * *

Being within that fool's psyche before death was tortuous. Ever errant comment, ever irrelevant breath, only movement out of line. It was consistent, he'd give the bandit that. But consistency was something he was never much a fan off. Leaving the man's head telepathically, he turned to the large alien sitting before him. He transferred the knowledge to the alien. "So," his voice cut in, slashing at the air like a dagger, "you have seen the power of but one of my...agents, one would consider them. I trust we have a deal?"

Smirking, the handcuffed alien nodded and leaned out of the shadows. His head was bare of any hair and his skin was a vibrant purple. "A chance to reclaim balance over the universe," he recounted, "To kill the rival for my affection. To be free of these shackles? You need not brainwash me." He leaned back a little, his smirk fading into cautiousness. "But I am not your slave."

The Black Man, skin as black as charcoal, nodded. "I did not expect you to be," he reaffirmed, before gesturing with his right hand. Within this place, the prison still left over in the Negative Zone from the Civil War that took superheroics to the courts, the guard were trained for combat and subterfuge. Which is why it was a surprise to see a guard come towards the alien, keys in hand. He shambled like a zombie, or perhaps he shifted like a puppet on strings, but no matter how he moved, his gait appeared unnatural. He shambled over and removed the power inhibiting cuffs and choker from the other's body. The Black Man snapped his fingers, and the guard began convulsing. He addressed the newest ally and confidant to his plans directly. "Come, _Thanos_ , Mad Titan."

"You killed someone during your recent battle. We need to collect the body."

* * *

Back at S.H.I.E.L.D

* * *

"That doesn't tell us anything!" Weiss protested, standing upright and towering over the prone mercenary. "You dragged us to another planet, possibly a whole different universe, just to assault and humiliate someone, and then you refuse to tell us _what's going on?!"_ Her voice carried irritation as her hands gripped themselves into fists.

Deadpool's eyes narrowed. He slowly rose up from the bed and grabbed the remote. Flicking through networks, he managed to find what he was looking for. On the screen, a massive, muscle-bound behemoth with green skin was tearing his way through Las Vegas. "You see that?" he asked Weiss, who only flicked to the screen with her agitation focused. "That's the Incredible Hulk. Massive dude. Topples whole cities, tanks gunfire. And Thanos killed him that day. He was the only one who left a body, Snow Angel." He slowly stood back up. "That satisfy the ol' thinker wantin' more to think?"

Weiss looked back to the footage of the massive, appropriately hulking brute, and nodded. "Yes, that's...all I needed to know."

"That wasn't really needed," Nora managed to speak up, crossing her legs and turning to the two.

"It was a bit harsh," Ren agreed.

Deadpool sighed and nodded. "Ice Queen, I didn't mean to upse-" but he was interrupted by a hand raising up. Weiss didn't look very upset. If anything, she actually looked a bit more relaxed than when she arrived.

"No, it's okay," Weiss affirmed, sitting prim and proper. "I didn't need the, erm, brutality of it. But I was panicking and I needed a bit of a shock to calm down. So, while I can't thank you, I can't exactly bear ill will, either."

At those words, Deadpool visibly shagged his shoulders and gave a thumbs up. "Awesome," he responded. "Well, this chapter's been far too serious, gotta go do some bullshit!"

"Chapter?" responded Ren, who had watched on only to be confused by the remark. Undeterred, Deadpool strolled out of the room at a brisk speed, followed by two guards who began to run after him, acting as, well, guards to make sure he didn't escape. They could hear him babbling to himself as his footsteps echoed down the halls. "...So...what now?" he asked to the room

"Cartoons?" Nora responded, flicking through the channels. As the clock ticked behind them, so far, the day had been eventful. Yet strange. Like the man who brought them there.

* * *

 **Rest in Peace: Stan Lee.**

 **This was a chapter long in the making. I'm sorry. I'll try to be better with my writing in the future.**


End file.
